I was diagnosed a Manic Depressive in 1996 and have lived with a form of depression most of my life.
In light of so many deaths from depression these past few years, whether deliberate or an overdose I am compelled to try and convey what it’s like to walk with depression.
Step after each tiresome step one hunched over braces themselves against the bitter cold as they push through the deep snow of an open field on a blustery stark winters day. This is a fairly accurate depiction of a person living with depression who drudges step after step, day after day, through their cold barren hopeless life.
When will the bitter cold end? When will the buds start to appear on the trees with the hope for a new tomorrow? These are questions that many ask for their lives as they push through the ongoing struggles of battles with depression.
To look at me today in 2014 as one of the leaders in my church and at work one would never guess there had ever existed the shadow of depression that hovered at the core of my being. I attribute that to the birth of hope through Jesus Christ which was given to me and has been developed within me over the years.
As a child moving through life searching for love from imperfect parents I was desperately needing help to steady me against the devastating one and half years as the recipient of high school bullying. The only help I found was year after year of drug and alcohol filled days for escape. Depression has always been my constant companion.
On the outside I was happy and cheerful. I knew what to say and how to act in an effort to be accepted and get approval from people. However I always lived with an emptiness inside. I was crying out for love and acceptance.
My parents tried their best but were always very closed mouth. I only received rules and expectations that I was never able to meet. I was perceived as weak to my father so he pushed me to be stronger through physical and verbal abuse. I was desperate for love and affection and no matter what I received from others it was never enough.
Sometime through my high school days I vaguely recall meeting with a psychiatrist but I clearly remember what was said to my parents, “she’s a very unhappy girl”. No medication was given.
I remember crying out to my parents asking them why they never would tell me they loved me? And their response was that I had everything I needed and that meant I was loved.
When affection, positive encouragement and love are not freely expressed from a parent to a child, the door for searching opens up and the child must search for it elsewhere.
After returning from running away from home at 17, which was my last desperate cry out of pain to my parents who didn’t understand me, I was bitter and despondent. One argument led to another. When a shot gun was pulled out and pointed to my head, I told my father to go ahead and pull the trigger as my mom stood silent by his side. I was that empty and sad. We all cried as we were desperately seeking relief from the horrors that surrounded us.
Walking through life with depression is like carrying a ton of weight on your back that you can never unload. There was one person in my life that became a life line to me and that was my piano teacher, Lynne Bock. She became my confidant, my friend and a source of hope until I met The Hope of my life.
The only way I can go back into the sorrow of my past is with the confidence of His Present Love. It’s because of the very Love and Forgiveness of Christ that I am able to revisit those sad moments in my life as an objective viewer and no longer bound by the chains of hopelessness and dread that once filled my days.
I would love to say that once I invited Jesus into my life at 24 all depression ceased but that was not fully the case. However, in meeting Jesus I did find Someone Who would not only give me a fresh start by washing all the ugliness of my past away but He also Partnered up with me to teach and lead me in how to become an overcomer in my daily struggles.
At age 38 in early 1994 I had a brain hemorrhage. On Feb 18, 1994, while in a prayer of deep appreciation and love for The Lord’s goodness to me, Jesus gave me a word of hope. He led me to Hebrews 11. He encouraged me to be patient and have faith. Things happened to the people of faith that didn’t always seem to be consistent with the promises given but they needed to rest in God’s faithfulness. In March of that year, after several tests, I was told I had 70% probable MS along with Fibromyalgia, a rare form of Meniere’s Disease, Colitis and IBS.
The doctors prescribed many different meds, min of 15 at a time, to fight the 5 different diagnosis’ I was given. I had encountered some brain damage from the hemorrhage which effected my ability to cope with stress. That coupled with the effects of the various drugs I was taking I found it extremely hard to focus and to communicate. I was laid up in bed for several years. I held on to the Word of hope from God with all that was in me and I had a Peace that surpassed all understanding.
Throughout my years as a follower of Christ He has provided me several tools to help me as I encounter the trials of life. The greatest of these being His Holy Bible and His Presence. He also has provided a great body of brothers and sisters who love me and accept me just as I am.
My condition was not what my husband of 18 years of marriage bargained for so he walked out on me while I laid in bed questioning what I had done wrong. Depression came along side and did his best to embrace me and lead me down a path of self destruction. One more diagnosis was added to my list and that was Manic Depressive.
I have been challenged as a believer to go deeper than I ever thought possible in exploring the whys and the hows of who I am. God has used the many trials in my life to reveal to me His truth and His warfare in defeating the attacks on my mind.
Even though my mind and body were filled with medicines to cope and dull the senses a warrior still loomed inside. An outside observer would look and see what seemed a physically defeated soldier but I was fighting everyday to keep my head up and moving forward. I was overcoming and pushing through step by step, day by day.
The greatest weapons God has given me in this battle with depression are His Word, Unconditional Love and Hope. These things not only defend our place in His Kingdom but also can be used on the offensive to bringing down forces set up against us.
3 For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. 4 For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, 5 casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, 6 and being ready to punish all disobedience when your obedience is fulfilled. 2 Cor 10:3-6
When we fill our minds with the promises of God and declare by faith who we are in Christ we go on the offensive and shut the door to the lies of the enemy. When we sit in silence and meditate our search for peace we must search for Christ. He holds the key to our victory. He holds the key to a peace that knows no bounds.
4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. Phil 4:4-8
I sit and write this paper today with the full diagnosis of MS and Fibromyalgia but I write not as a victim but as a victor! The Lord has taken me through the flooding waters and the fire that would strive to consume me.
God has brought me a man after His own heart who adores me just the way I am. He is a man who has partnered up with me in service of our King.
The shadow of depression has long ago lost it’s power to destroy me. Every now and again if I’m not careful he tries to lift his slimy head to which I in boldness and with confidence step down and crush it with the heel of the foot of My God and Savor Jesus the Christ!
There are a few things/tips, not in any specific order, that I use to help lift my spirits when I begin to feel a bit low.
Get some Exercise- take walks, play golf, tennis etc.
Take deep breaths
Arrange flowers and plants to fill the home with life
Fill your workspace with life, plants, pictures etc.
Make your surrounding less sterile
Play music in the background of your home and at work
Have aroma candles, potpourri, oil jars etc.
Clean your home or have it cleaned
Make your bed daily, if you can
Take time to organize
A touch of chocolate now and again =)
Treat yourself special
Do something that you enjoy
Take a drive through the mountains, to the beach etc.
See a counselor or a psychiatrist
Pray about the use of Antidepressants if prescribed, sometimes they can be very helpful
Nice cup of tea or coffee
Visit family
Use some nice creamy soaps
Take a bubble bath
Go on a tropical get away
Watch a good uplifting movie
Read a good book, maybe a biography of one who has overcome adversity
Read your Bible, study it
Play an instrument, take lessons
Paint
Do things that take you out of your mind and that tap into your senses
By the Power of the Holy Spirit resist the urge to
Overeat
Over spend
Become Obsessive Compulsive with anything
Journal your thoughts, dreams, fears etc.
Surrender your need to understand all your feelings
Trust God fully to be with you no matter what you go through
Silence the enemies encouragement for self pity, worry, fear
Reflect on how far you have come in your spiritual growth
Think and pray for those you love
Get out of focusing on yourself and your needs
Pray for the needs of others
Acknowledge the fact that YOU are loved and wonderful
27 He answered: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' “ Luke 10:27
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:14
If you are not one who has battled the demon of depression much of this will not make sense. But as one who has and continues to push through the darkness to overcome know this, there is Hope and you can have a fruitful life. Don’t give up!! Get the help you need through Jesus the Healer and doctors that He can lead you to.
A thief is only there to steal and kill and destroy. I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of. John 10:10
